Its been a while since I blogged and life has not been ideal to say the least.
Sore eyes which can't focus across the multiude of electronic devices we all use, phone, Kindle, TV, laptop screen to name a few all cause varying degrees of pain, temporary blindness and fuzziness added to a bad bout of measles with added conjunctivitus. All these things have made me re assess my priorities and unfortunatly some things have fallen by the wayside.
I was a member of a writing / crit site and for a while it was great but now thats gone. I simply dont have the time to read online or a hand held device and write, all while trying to look after my eyes and not agrivate them.
Its simple really - am I a writer or reader? My priority is writing, so my time leans towards writing. If my eyes improve and its a big IF, well maybe I can return but right now I need to find the time and health to push on with my passion.
Lately the changes with my eyes enforced a slow down and a lack of confidence that I could continue to write, which gave my mind too much time to think and ask whether I am indeed a writer. Time on ones hands is never a good thing. Over thinking occurs and things we are not happy with in life, become blown out of proportion. Questions creep up on you and to someone like me who doesnt speak to many people about whats bothering me, well it causes a form of mild depression, whilst going through the worst of the problem. It never gets too dark because I recognise the signs, neither am I jumping on any depression bandwagon. Anyone who speaks to me/communicates regularily with me saw the downward changes and have seen the recovery and also know that its happened a few times over the past ten years or so.
A lot has changed this year and we are only in August. Changes that no one saw coming. Some of these havent been easy, relationships have changed, some dissappeared, some broken beyond all recognition, some repaired and its not just been that. Life today is nothing like Life of last year. The bad times make the darkness worse, the good make it light. happiness is at a premium.
I have learnt a few things and recognised a pattern. I am a listener, always have been, always will be, first and foremost. I listen in the bad times, I listen in the good. One thing is have noticed is that when times are bad for others, I listen more. When times are good I am dropped, no longer required. That wont happen again. - Do it once, more fool you, do it twice - more fool me - there wont be a third time.
I would rather retreat and dissappear ... save the heart ache, the questioning and spend my time and energy on those who matter most.
So whats next ??
Whats next is moving on, accepting Life for what it is and facing the fear of not being able to write... and pushing through. Some work may not see the light of day, some hopefully will but either way, it deserves a chance as do I!
